I have two boys, and lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the men I want them to become. Stories like this make those thoughts hit a little differently.
A former Cornell student filed a civil lawsuit alleging that members of the Chi Phi fraternity drugged and sexually assaulted her in 2024. The men have denied wrongdoing, with some saying the sexual activity was consensual and others denying involvement. (As of this writing, no criminal charges have been filed.)
The allegations made me think about the lessons our boys need while they’re still growing up.
Not just boys who know they’re supposed to be “nice to girls,” but boys who understand consent, speak up when someone crosses a line, and don’t go along with something just because everyone else is doing it.
Teach respect before you ever talk about sex
Teaching boys to respect women doesn’t begin with a conversation about dating. It starts with how they treat people when they’re little.
We teach them that another person’s body belongs to that person. We tell them to stop wrestling when their brother or sister says stop. We don’t make another child hug them. We remind them that being angry doesn’t give them the right to insult someone.
Those everyday interactions might not seem connected to later conversations about consent, but they teach that other people’s boundaries matter.
Our sons also notice how adults around them talk about women. They hear jokes. They see comments online. They hear their friends talk about girls at school.
We can’t control everything they’ll hear, but we can make sure they know what we expect.
Make consent an ongoing conversation
I don’t want the first serious conversation my boys hear about consent to happen during freshman orientation at college. It should be something they’ve heard for years.
And it doesn’t need to begin as a graphic conversation about sex.
Consent means understanding that someone can change their mind. It’s recognizing that silence isn’t necessarily permission. It’s knowing that getting someone to submit isn’t the same as receiving a “yes.”
As boys get older, those conversations obviously need to become more direct. Alcohol and drugs also complicate things. Teenagers need to understand that someone who is severely intoxicated or incapacitated may not be capable of consenting.
These topics can be uncomfortable, but knowing how to approach hard conversations with your kids can make it easier to start.
I’d much rather stumble through an awkward conversation with my sons than assume they’ll figure everything out on their own.
I’d much rather stumble through an awkward conversation with my sons than assume they’ll figure everything out on their own.
Teach them that the group doesn’t get to decide what’s acceptable
One part of the Cornell allegations that has received significant attention involves messages allegedly exchanged among fraternity members.
Whatever comes of the investigation, it raises an important issue for parents: how our kids respond when the people around them behave badly.
It’s easy to tell our kids not to follow the crowd. Doing that when they want to fit in is much harder.
Teenagers desperately want to belong, and college students do, too. Being the person who says, “This isn’t okay,” may mean risking your place in the group.
I want my boys to know they don’t have to go along with something just because their friends are doing it. They can walk away, tell a friend to knock it off, or step in when someone needs help.
Being a good man isn’t only about what you personally don’t do. Sometimes it’s about what you’re willing to stop.
Don’t excuse bad behavior because “boys will be boys”
I’ve never particularly liked that phrase. Yes, boys can be loud, impulsive, messy, competitive, and ridiculous. I live with them. I know.
Being a boy is no excuse for being disrespectful. When they’re young, it might seem harmless, like making a comment about a girl at school or repeating a joke they heard from a friend.
As they get older, it might mean rating girls in a group chat or sharing something private that was never meant to be passed around.
It’s easy to dismiss some of it as kids being kids. You don’t have to lecture them every time they say something they shouldn’t, but you can call it out. Ask why they thought it was funny or explain why it wasn’t okay. Sometimes, just saying something in the moment is enough to make them think about it.
They’re going to mess up. What matters is that they know when they’ve crossed a line and take responsibility.
Talk about what they see online
Our boys are growing up in a very different world than we did. Between social media, group chats, disappearing messages, and everything they can find online, they’re seeing things about women and relationships whether we’re talking to them about it or not.
That’s why I think it’s important to ask questions and talk to them about it. I want them to understand the difference between what they see online and a healthy relationship, and that someone’s private photo is still private, no matter what everyone else in the group chat is doing.
The way women are talked about online matters, too. You don’t need to know every app your son uses or every trend he’s encountered. You do need to make it clear that the standards you expect from him offline still apply when he’s behind a screen.
Let them hear men talk about respect
Moms have an important role in these conversations, but our sons should hear this from men too. Their dads, coaches, teachers, uncles, older brothers, and other men they respect can show them what healthy masculinity looks like.
They can hear a man call out a degrading joke instead of laughing along. They can watch men treat women as equals or see a man apologize when he’s wrong.
They can learn that being respectful doesn’t make them weak or overly sensitive. It makes them someone other people can trust.
Being respectful doesn’t make them weak or overly sensitive. It makes them someone other people can trust.
Make sure they know they can call you
Eventually, our kids will find themselves in situations we can’t control. I find this to be one of the hardest parts of raising them.
That’s why it’s our job to teach them. We can talk until they’re sick of hearing our voices. Then, at some point, they’ll walk into a party, dorm room, relationship, or situation without us.
I want my boys to know they can always call me when something doesn’t feel right. If they’ve been drinking and need a ride, call me. If a friend is in trouble or someone at a party has had too much to drink and needs help, call me.
Calling me doesn’t mean they’re automatically off the hook. I just never want them to be so worried about getting in trouble that they don’t call when they really need me.
Raising good men happens long before college
I don’t know what investigators will ultimately determine about what happened at Cornell.
What I do know is that stories like this make me look at my boys and think about the responsibility I have while they’re still under my roof.
The older they get, the less I’ll know about everything they’re doing. I won’t always know who they’re with, what they’re talking about with their friends, or how they’ll handle a situation when I’m not there.
What I can do is keep talking.
I can teach them that another person’s boundaries matter. I can expect them to speak up when something is wrong. I can make sure they know that respect isn’t something you turn on when a parent, teacher, or coach is watching.
Someday, they’ll be out in the world making these decisions without me. I want them to know already what kind of men they want to be.
